21 December 2005

Debate – Do I hate life or does life hate me?

It’s been one of those weeks of feeling overwhelmed, insane and not able to accomplish anything. It started Saturday. I had the bright idea to clean Scott’s closet and store the “stuff” elsewhere. I got most of it dragged out when I had to stop. I got Scott and myself ready and headed for the grocery store. Got back just in time to feed Scott while Ryan put away groceries and head to a friend’s house for supper. Only Ryan was tired and in a BAD mood and laid in the couch. We were already late when we got in the truck and had to run to town to walk dogs at the clinic. While there, Ryan got an emergency call so we went to that and sat in the truck. Unless I was singing to Scott, he was crying. Finally made it to see the Z’s and have supper. That night Scott pee’d through his diaper just as Ryan was walking over to change him. It soaked the thigh of my jeans.

Sunday was another adventure. I had cleaning to finish but wanted to take some pictures and run to Walmart for a few things. The pictures took WAY longer than they should have and headed to Wally world. Got back to town, dropped off my mom and took her tahoe to church for the children’s Christmas program. Went into the church and didn’t have the pacifier! Scott likes to be extremely vocal in the evenings so eventually Ryan had to take him out. Got home and fed Scott. He had a massively explosive diaper, so I spent the next half hour hand washing his outfit. Worked on the computer some and went to bed without cleaning a thing.

Monday, a wild day at work. Ryan’s folks were stuck in Kansas with car trouble, which gave me more time to get a few things picked up. But then that afternoon, I got a message from Ryan saying they’d be at our house that night. I was excited for them to come but expecting them on Tuesday instead. So I rushed home and picked things up around the house when I planned on finishing a cabinet, etc. M&E arrived in decent time and it was good to visit with them (which meant I still didn’t get to my stuff I had to do).

Tuesday was the true day that stole my Christmas cheer. I stayed home a few hours from work to finish up a federal resume which was part of my application due that afternoon by 4:30. Got that done, tossed it all on Ryan’s shoulders to get faxed to the state office and went to work. Things were crazy busy as usual. Because I came in late I didn’t take lunch, had 2 oreos instead. At 330ish, Ryan calls to say the 41 page fax finally went through (I have a great hubby). At about 4pm, Connie from HR in the state office calls. She confirms that they received the fax BUT it was due yesterday. I said no, it was due today, the 19th, to which she replied “today is the 20th, it was due yesterday.” I wanted to crawl in a hole in die. I didn’t know what to say. There are no exceptions to the deadline. I hurried off the phone so I wouldn’t cry. Sitting at my desk processing the whole moment, my eyes got a bit watery so I went back to work to ignore the whole drama.

Too late! Why me, right? Monday night as I was lying in bed I began praying about the situation. Sure, I’d like the job – increase pay without having to move. I already do the work. But I had mixed feelings about all the intricate government related details of the whole thing. I ended my prayer with asking for God’s will in the situation and that I would be content with the outcome. But then yesterday I began to wonder. Is this God’s way of saying that I don’t need that job? I had what I thought to be good motives – I am deserving of the pay and I was hoping for more money to help fund the adoption of a child. Then I wondered if God was trying to point out that I need to pay more attention to those details. Grr, So frustrating.

And the story continues. Had plans to meet the family in PDC for Chinese last night. I went straight from work so I could run to Cabela’s first. I was done and ready to meet them on time but the “shortly after 6:00” turned to 6:30. I was tired, frustrated, had a headache and hungry. Got done in PDC and headed home. At about 10pm we headed upstairs so I could feed Scott. I sat him on the bed sitting against a pillow. In the time that I picked up the laundry basket and set it on the floor, Scott managed to fall 3 feet off the bed and knocked his head on the wood floor. My poor baby! Now even more frustrated, tired, etc. I picked him up and snuggled him as he screamed and screamed. He at pretty well but he would stop every so often and scream for a while. Called the doctor who said to make sure and wake him up every few hours. Scott finished eating and I tried to snuggle him (which he usually loves) and he kicked and screamed. Finally I decided to take him downstairs and try to calm him down so Ryan could sleep. But, my all-star husband took Scott instead so I could try to rest. I was crying, Scott was crying, it was late, I needed sleep. At 12:30 I woke up and went downstairs. Scott was burrito-wrapped and asleep on his daddy’s chest. We took him upstairs and put him in bed with us.

It was the most horrible feeling. This morning I have a happy baby again. Today I’m not hating life but I am in need of and looking forward to a weekend and soon enough a vacation!


CORI said...

I can't believe that you missed the deadline! ;-( ;-( ;-(

You so deserved that raise and GS promotion. Sorry to hear that Tammy ;-(

momma of 2 said...

I am sorry to hear about the resume ... I firmly believe that everything happens for a reason - and while I don't always agree with the reasons at the time - it usually works out for the best.... (still I think you deserve it)

Hope that Scott is doing well - It's so scary when they fall.

I hope that you get some rest - Mommy's need rest just as much as the kiddos...take care of yourself.

Jennifer said...

Wow. You really had it bad. Go take a much needed rest. Merry Christmas!

Kristine said...

Hi sweet friend... Sorry it's been a rough week, and even sorrier we didn't get to see you. It sounds like, though it would have been wonderful to get together, it would have added another whole stress to your week. I'm sorry we missed you!!! Glad Scott is ok... though you hate to hear it, it's the first of many bumps. Hang in there, and have a restful holiday weekend. Love you!!

Julie said...

Hey girlee! Gotta tell you, I know all too well how frustrating those Government applications can be! I'm looking for a new job, and trying to make sure things get to them "on time" is the hardest thing in the world to do! Keep your head up, you know in your heart it is a sign that it wasn't meant to be, at least not yet.

As far as Scott goes, and his falling, I fell twice as a baby. Once I rolled off a couch when my dad was watching me, and once off a table when A NURSE was watching me! I'm okay (well for the most part) I have no problems (except the fear of falling?! Go figure!) So, don't worry, it was an accident. Glad to hear he is fine. Now, when he acts up when he is older you can joke that you dropped him on his head as a baby!

jerelyn said...

Hey Tammy, sorry to hear you had such a rotten start to your week. Hope it's been uphill from there!


I'm home now, so no trip to NE Iowa...for now. How far are you from Madison, Wisconsin...?